Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

fair

‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.