I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
You Might Also Like
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?