Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

be careful

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

me: time to hit the hay

wife: you’re going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice