Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

Taliband

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.