Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”