Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

Every house has this drawer

out-housing market appears to be strong

Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!

Bad sex? Just add Tequila!

Bad day? Just add Tequila!

Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.