I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
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Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur