I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
![]()
You Might Also Like
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
![]()
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”![]()
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle