I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
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31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
