I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
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“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?