I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
You don’t even know
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Ok cat haters, explain this…
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though