I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
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If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
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Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
So true for me
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Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.