Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…