I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
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*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it