I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
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CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
why no one uses midhusbands
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*