Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

“Oh, I get it!”

– Me, when I didn’t get it.

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

ok this is my dumbest yet

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity