I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
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Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
choose your fighter
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2