I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”![]()
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Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
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The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert