I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
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A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Mornin
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
