I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
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My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.