Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.