I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
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Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I hate to brag but I excel at my faults.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.