Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?