I think my husband is beginning to suspect
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“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Big Sex has us all fooled
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.