Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Sun

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

what it’s like dating me:

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.