Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

I hope they boil the right one.

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”

when someone tells me love is in the air 😷

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.