I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
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How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I really had high hopes for this year though
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
see next tweet for some translations
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!