I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
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Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
We need to put an American base on the sun
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
