I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
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caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.