Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.

Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?

Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.

I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me