Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

do u think theres a butter planet?

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means