Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:

1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

Oh no

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?

Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.