I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
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Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
seems like a niche market
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.