I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
You Might Also Like
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Fiction has to make sense.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus