I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
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I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
The Punning Dead.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
As a lawyer who works in a big city I am EXTREMELY concerned that my significant other is going back to their small hometown for the holidays. There are a ton of locally owned bakeries in it too…
I fear that I will get Hallmarked by someone who wants to show her the true meaning of Christmas