I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
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Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.