I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
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If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
THE AUDACITY. 😤
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic