Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

True.

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine

{later}

BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.