Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]