I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
You Might Also Like
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.