Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

opening twitter today

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

Suffering from kleptomania?

You should take something.

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

I’m already scared

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.