@LeaMehanna

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

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@kiralc

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

@NervousJr

My family is starting to catch on to my “I died” excuse.

@McGrumpenstein

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

@NotthatAdamWest

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

@ShortSleeveSuit

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

@SondraDeeMe

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

@FeverFlave

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

@c12h22o11balls

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

@sarawrencomedy

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

@AnotherFunnyGuy

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?