I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
You Might Also Like
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife