i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
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My family is starting to catch on to my “I died” excuse.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?