I think my mom just blocked me
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I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
💻🤡
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
It be like that sometimes 😆
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.