I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
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my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Check out the legs on this baby
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
