I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
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I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
forgive me baja for i have blast
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
This classic never gets old . . .
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.