I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
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My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope