Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!

Doctor: is your finger broken?

No, I don’t think so….

Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.

Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house

It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being

Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.

Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?

Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me