I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

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“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”


Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog


Not entirely sure what a “propriate” is, but apparently I’m in it…


My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”


Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.


Our laundry room flooded because an apple chunk clogged the washer hose. Go ahead, have kids. They have pocket apples.


If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.


And remember kids, when you go to Target, there really is no “non creepy” way to ask where the Vaseline is.


Superman: I am an all powerful alien with only one weakness.
Batman: Is it bats? Please say bats.