@halvewit

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

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@dubstep4dads

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

@shutupmikeginn

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

@PortRooster

Not entirely sure what a “propriate” is, but apparently I’m in it…

@AndrewNadeau0

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

@stephenjmolloy

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

@TheMichaelRock

Our laundry room flooded because an apple chunk clogged the washer hose. Go ahead, have kids. They have pocket apples.

@JimmerThatisAll

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

@themorris23

And remember kids, when you go to Target, there really is no “non creepy” way to ask where the Vaseline is.

@ErrenMichaels

Superman: I am an all powerful alien with only one weakness.
Batman: Is it bats? Please say bats.