I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
You Might Also Like
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?