Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭

Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]

Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.

[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]

Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert