Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo

Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.

When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not

Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.