Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

Had a rough week. Might get bangs later.

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR