Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]

HER: So what kind of car do you drive?

ME: A bookmobile.

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers