I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
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Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.