I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
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I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
This pepper has seen some shit
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.