i think my razor is having a panic attack
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Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Yup!
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
