Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

is this meant to deter me

Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me