Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

Commonly confused phrases:

In the same boat = We’re going through this together

On the same page = We understand each other

In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

Me: you got your gaming license with you?

Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.