Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

weddings should have a worst man

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.