I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
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Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
A fake ID that makes you younger
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Lmao 😁
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.