I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
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Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
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Cat armor
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How to stop armored cats
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They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
X-tra spooky blend
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
(True)
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
My life coach traded me.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different