Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

Just parrot things

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.