Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

[during a plane crash]

Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

[ asteroid approaching earth ]

me: *slapping baseball mitt*

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed