Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.

When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.