I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
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Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Good for him.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
😭😭😭😭
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
umm…
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.