Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.