I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
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WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation