I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
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[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
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Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector