I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
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BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Ummm 😳
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.