I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
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Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Friends that check up on you >
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”