I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
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twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.